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Author
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Topic: My Vacation Nightmare: Or Why America is Neurotic
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Planetary Eulogy
VoivodFan
Member # 436
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posted June 01, 2004 14:23
    
I got a call from my mother on Wednesday. "Honey, why don't you come meet us down at the beach Friday? Take a couple of days to unwind." It sounded like a fine idea to me, I'd always enjoyed spending time communing with wind and wave, and maybe wetting a line for five or six hours at a stretch. I really should have known better.Within about 10 minutes of breaking away from work, it had become apparent that my “getaway” weekend might not be all it was cracked up to be. Traffic had begun stacking up in the eastbound lanes almost before the office was out of sight, and a drive that should have taken 4 hours in a reasonable, sane world turned into a 7 hour nightmare of extreme irritation, exhaust, and dodging morons in SUV’s. When I finally arrived, I found the quiet, quaint island I loved as a child a Yankee infested rathole inundated with status-flaunting assholes and their undisciplined brats, each squalling family packed to the gills in their own personal assault vehicles. The salt marshes where I’d spent countless hours as a child crabbing and just exploring had largely been filled in so that senile bastards long past their useful existence could enjoy a round of golf. The inlet and jetty where I’d always had my best luck fishing were totally inaccessible, having been buried under a rental facility for “personal watercraft.” As for the beach, it was packed with the grotesquely fat and hideously hairy, as well as their mounds and mounds of space eating personal effects (not to mention the mounds of refuse the slobs left behind). Paradoxically, very few went in the water (most seeming to prefer the antiseptic swimming pools of their condos to the joys of the Atlantic Ocean). Even still, the one time I managed to fight through the crowd to get a line in the water, a noxiously Jewish housewife worked herself into hysterics after I caught a small blacktip shark (all of 4.5 feet and maybe 60 or 70 lbs). I mean, I was attracting these things into the shallows where they might hurt her baby (who appeared to be about 10 and weighed a good 150 lbs, how a shark the size of my leg was supposed to be a threat to the Son of Leviathan I don’t know). So here I sit back at work and not the least bit relaxed, having completed my “vacation” with another 7 hour drive amongst total idiots. Man, there's nothing like "getting away from it all." It's the consumerism, stupid!
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