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Author Topic: Reviews for Jordan & Peter Andre's cd..
Head Villain
VoivodFan
Member # 524

posted January 29, 2007 13:05     Profile for Head Villain   Email Head Villain     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
Hours of entertainment here.

Reviews..

"I was born deaf. I have never heard any sound, a child laughing, the sea washing up the beach, the wind in the trees. All these sounds are alien to me and I will never know what beauty they hold. I am also completely blind. I have never seen a setting sun, a flower bloom or David Beckham. But for one brief moment last week I heard sounds and saw sights for the first time in my life. My wife bought "A Whole new World" by Peter Andre and the Jordans. The second she put it on, I was transported to a world of colour and the sounds of angels. I could see, I could hear. Tears rolled down my face as I saw my wifes face for the first time, even the revelation of her hideous features could not detract from the majesty of the voices of Peter and Jordan soaring like eagles through a sun kissed sky. I rose from my chair and carressed the cd jewel case, sounds and sights filling my senses. For 37 minutes I was a normal person, filled with joy. Then the CD stopped, and I returned to a world of silence and darkness. I stumbled into a coffee table and fell face first into the stereo system, shattering it, and my teeth into a thousand pieces. My wife has since hidden the CD. I spoke to my doctor on the phone, and he confirmed that there is no medical explanation for my temporary cure. He also said that he had many patients come to him with temporary miracle cures occuring whilst listening to the god given album. For a full 37 minutes, Didier Drogba managed to run without falling over, Geraint Jones remained at the crease and Barry from the Cillit Bang commercials lost his voice.
There is only one explanation - Somehow, Peter and Jordan have managed to create work of such wonder and power, that it is the embodiment of our lord Jesus Christ. It is, for all intents and purposes, the second coming."

*******************************

"I've always loved music of all types whether sparce Belgian techno or dark jungle, gabba or handbag cheese, trip-hop or progressive, uplifting Italian piano or down and grimy speed garage, drum AND base or good ol' fashioned nosebleed, but today.... today something new, something ground breaking has literally assaulted my ears like a sonic enema, purging everything that I thought I knew about music, leaving me feeling washed out, cleansed and ready to leave behind the old me, what I used to be, leaving me ready, ready for a whole new world.

I ripped this CD into MP3, put on my iPod and as the first notes hit me, I sat bolt upright, like, like...... like a puppy that's been trodden on, and I ran, ran through the house, down the hall and straight through the closed patio doors, shards of glass embedding in me as I danced around the garden, leaping like Bambi might have done if Bambi had been shot in the butt with a .177 air pellet.

I don't remember what happened next, but when the final track, 'Lullaby', ended I was tapping my foot and clicking my fingers in the first class section of a plane to Denver, Colarado. Naked.

My hair is now completely white and I twitch more than I used to, but the doctors say that's normal and have prescribed thorozine, but nothing, nothing, NOTHING beats the new high that I have found in this album.

I wonder if it's possible to make albums like this in bathroom laboratories to be shipped out for unknowing young ravers worldwide....?

What a buzz!!" *Locks door and puts CD in player*

******************************

"After an unfortunate accident at home my wife slipped into a coma and after a few days when the dirty plates and so on had piled up I noticed and had her taken to a hospital.

The Doctors said they could do nothing for her and she just lay there wired up to a machine that beeped. The Doctors told me that if I talked to her then it might stimulate her to recovery but even after ten minutes there was no change so I went home to watch the football (Everton vs Chelsea, both sides had notable absentees which, considering the relative squad depths of the two, was likely to impact on Everton more so than the Stamford Bridge outfit. David Moyes will be without suspended midfield dynamo Tim Cahill, whose recent return to goal scoring form has coincided with Everton's mini-revival in the Premiership after an abysmal start) but I didn't get a chance to watch all the game because I had to surf the net. With my wife out of the picture I was looking on the internet for some kind stimuli and having been disappointed by the content on Katie Holme's website. Paris Hilton's download "one night in Paris" did the trick and keen for more I followed some links for Jordan. Well before I knew it, I had ordered some products.

Imagine my disappointment 10-14 days later when I received a CD and not a DVD! But that was short lived as I visited the hospital to check on the wife and have her sign some cheques by putting the pen in her hand and moving the paper around underneath. In the hospital room was a CD player and so as I left to pop around to an old girlfriends I popped this CD on and hit auto-replay.

The following morning much refreshed I visited the wife again (a new cheque book had arrived in the post) and I was amazed to see that tears were running from the corners of my comatose wife's eyes. Elation! The Doctors say that this is a miracle and have instructed that the album be played back-to-back via headphones to my wife until she recovers.

Her return to consciousness and some clean clothes are hopefully just around the corner -

Thank you Jordan and Peter!"

**********************************

"I've been studying music full time now for the past seven years of my life. I've gone from Btec level right through to the masters degree that I'm currently studying for and I can say in all honesty that I have NEVER heard an album quite like this. As has been said in previous reviews, this is a work of truly earth-shattering importance. Despite the fact that it may seem like a cynical christmas marketing ploy to extract cash from Daily Mail and Hello readers, the sheer stunning brilliance of this record cannot be overstated. It is true to say that many great artists are never appreciated in their own time so I think just to be sure, Jordan and Peter should both be killed."

************************************

"The other day whilst drowning some puppies, I heard a beautiful sound in the distance. At first I thought that it may be another fella drowning some canines, as the sound was reminiscent of asphyxiated pooches, but on closer inspection I found it to be coming from a large house. I knocked on the door and several seconds later found myself face to face with an old lady: biscuit crumbs littered the corners of her mouth; her hair had the faint scent of human urine.

"What is this sound?", I asked her.

"It's Katie Price and Peter Andre's new album, A Whole New World", she replied with a honk and feminine picking of her nose. We then made sweet sweet love to the sound of monotonous screeching. The melodies that burst from Ms Price's silicone cleavage intertwined delightfully with the pungent warbling eminating from Mr Andre's greasey larynx.

If I were to have an album played at my funeral, it would most certainly be this one. I feel that my life would be most delightfully finalised with "Endless Love", and "To Die For" would be the selected tune for the funerals of my loved ones. Sometimes I think back to the day when I was introduced to this album, and I masturbate."

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String em up


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Hellrider
VoivodFan
Member # 980

posted January 29, 2007 14:09     Profile for Hellrider   Email Hellrider     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
An album? A WHOLE fucking ALBUM??? I heard the single by accident once and thought - or maybe just hoped to god - that it was a joke, a one-off...

*feels like curling up and dying*

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"Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards." - R. A. Dickson


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