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Topic: Chuck Fucking Norris
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Luna
VoivodFan
Member # 389
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posted December 01, 2005 22:24
    
DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK!A MUST READ 1-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2-When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay,
but
because he has run out of women.
3-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew
once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
5- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
6- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
>decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he
grew a beard.
7- Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
8- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the
information he wants.
9- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
10- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of
the month.
11- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding
his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with
Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast
went
deaf.
12- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
13- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.
14- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the
face.
15- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
16- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to
have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse
kick related deaths.
17- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
Norrissmoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different
kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that,
Lance Armstrong.
18- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
Norris.
19- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
20- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
20- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
21- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
22- Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees
to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to
bang
every girl in the stadium.
23- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
has
not had to pay taxes ever.
24- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
25- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
26- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his
back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
27- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
28- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
29- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death. -------------------- What the fuck is wrong with drinking tea?
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Delightful Little Capuchin Monkey
VoivodFan
Member # 65
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posted December 02, 2005 08:31
Ha - funny stuff! Here's a list of fun facts about Vin Diesel:Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives." There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit. Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.
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Syl Disjonk
VoivodFan
Member # 148
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posted December 17, 2005 15:23
Captain Flam was cheesy in most part but got a strong tongue in cheek value. There is a cool scientific theory about the 4th dimension that is a total brain killer. The saga of the aquatic man is cool too. And don't forget the flying brain.. Well...it's good for a laugh with some kind of brain preparation.....I don't reminber to much of the G-Force, the drawing are superior for sure. I'll be curious to watch it again ... was it cheesy ? But for me the king of the saturday morning cartoon is Albator ... the music is great the drawing style... everything is killer. C'est du grand art ... If you listen to the Invisible Planet from Voivod and watch Captain Flam at the same time you'll end up printed in the Chuck Norris book... -------------------- Remembered in space....
to the DEATH...... et à l'INFINI
www.disjonk.com
Ethereal Chrysalis VOIVOD tribute video We Are Connected VOIVOD: Kluskap O' Kom music video ETHEREAL CHRYSALIS - Lovecraftian fantastic short film directed by Syl Disjonk
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Tangento
VoivodFan
Member # 117
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posted December 21, 2005 00:19
O-M-F-GI'm in total overload... I don't know what's funnier... EVERYTHING IN THIS THREAD, or this:  Someone knock me out before I bust a gut -------------------- "You have the option to drill additional holes in the label,
causing the record to rotate off the side of the turntable" -Tom Ellard - Severed Heads
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Maldororz
VoivodFan
Member # 186
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posted December 21, 2005 07:56
quote:
Originally posted by Tangento:
O-M-F-GI'm in total overload... I don't know what's funnier... EVERYTHING IN THIS THREAD, or this: Someone knock me out before I bust a gut
Hey, don't fuck with the Mustache Korgull!! 
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hypergrrl
VoivodFan
Member # 16
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posted March 11, 2009 01:28
Sorry, had to do it cause it's Chuck Fuckin' Norris' birthday and I'm trying to avoid one of those roundhouse kicks cause I don't see him, and you know what they say if you don't see Chuck Norris.....  !"Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter." http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/buzz-log-chuck-norris.html "On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun." Have you seen your kids lately? More laughs.... http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/page2.html .....aw man, I needed that!
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I wish he would roundhouse kick Christie Brinkley on their excercise info-mercial!
